Mr. Mertle has a little secret...And you can't tell anyone.

I've long accepted the fact that Mr. Mertle (James Earl Jones) from The Sandlot was a liar for saying he played with Babe Ruth when we all know Babe Ruth never played with black players.




However, I now think he may be something worse, much worse. I got on a night tram after a night of drinking when I saw a blind Czech man get on a tram all alone. I wondered to myself "how did he become blind? Probably not a fastball to the eye. Czechs don't play baseball." It was then that it dawned on me: If Mr. Mertle took a fastball to the eye, why is he now blind in both eyes? It doesn't add up. You must then ask yourself "Why did he give up the autographed baseball of the 1927 Yankees for a chewed up Babe Ruth ball?" The answer is obvious. Mr. Mertle isn't blind at all. Mr. Mertle is however, a child molester.

No offense....

So the Pops came out for a visit. I showed him Prague, we went to Rome, we laughed, we cried, we ate gelato. The thing about gelato that I don't understand is that it is immensely better in Italy than it is throughout the rest of Europe. It's so much better than Italy that if one eats gelato in another country they might think European ice cream sucks. But if they eat it in Italy they'll think gelato is the greatest invention since the wheelbarrow (very underrated by the way.)
What really surprised me the most however, is this quite harmless, yet potentially deadly social faux pas. Here's what's been happening way too often. I'm standing somewhere minding my own damn business. And then I hear "excuse me" followed by whack! Practically shoved out the way! Damn near assaulted. And this action is supposed to be completely dismissed all because it is preceded by "excuse me?" Ridiculous I say.

That being said, nothing is worse than this next thing I've been encountering. In the words of slick rick, and it goes a little something like this:

"I mean, no offense, but your acting like a fucking douchebag."

And then when you get upset, the original offender says "Hey man, I said no offense!" As if the fact that somebody says no offense gives them free reign to blurt anything they feel like. Well no offense to anyone who does this, but the next motherfucker that does one of these to me is gettin thrown out a mothafuckin window.

Lost in Translation (Perhaps)

On a quest to quench our insatiable romantic desires I went out for drinks with a few unnamed Czech ladies and some friends of mine this past week. What followed: awkwardness, regret, racism, boredom, excitement, baiting, and revenge. Allow me to elaborate.

Immediately after arriving I realized a couple things. For one, don't give out your number at 4am outside of a club to some random women. And for two, I was going to need a drink. Enough to get through this meeting but not too much so that I stay for too long. So about 10 minutes after the introductions, or hell, during the introductions. It comes to light that my friend is German. Not German like "my family is scottish, irish, and german but we've been in America for 220 years" German, German like "I love sauerkraut, David Hasselhoff, and eradicating massive amounts of followers of one certain unnamed religion" German. (To anyone who is offended at that last joke, I hereby apologize. I too like sauerkraut when the mood fancies me.)

ANYWAY, so once my friend mentions he's German this racist bitch gives a dirty look and casually says "ugh, I hate Germans." Right to his face! Then when we explained it was rude to say that to someone you first meet, she says "It's my opinion. I hate Germans." As if it was some non-negotiable fact that will never change. Unbelievable. So this leads to my friend storming out after telling her she was the biggest bitch he's ever met and telling her friend "you need new friends."

After he walked out, the girl said she felt like dancing. So myself and my buddy Pat excused ourselves, said we had to go home because of a busy schedule the next day and walked over to the bar to have more drinks for another hour with some much more pleasant Americans. The lesson here is simple, girls who give out their numbers at 4am outside of Czech clubs are racist.

Summer lovin, had me a blast...

Boy do I love summer in Europe. I work about 8 hours a week, hang out at topless swimming pools, paddle on the Vltava, and have an endless stream of visitors. Since last time we spoke, Zach visited and we proceeded to have an ass-kicking good time in Cinque Terre (shown on your right), Austria, Slovenia, Germany, and of course Praha. Unfortunately, as this is a family-friendly blog, there will be no details of our endeavors. Just know that we were THIS close to getting Zach to move out here, and i'm not convinced it's not in the back of his head somewhere. (Pause)

The month of June was very awkward weather wise. Prague gave you all it had to offer; Sunshine, gloom, thunderstorms, all in one day! Sometimes I could leave the house in shorts and flip flops and return soaking wet. Also during the month of June, I developed a severe fear of flying. Something about it just doesn't seem right. The thing weighs like 18 tons, the wings don't flap, and a computer flies it. My computer crashes all the time, call me crazy but I don't trust that shit.

So this leaves me a couple of options: Sail the Atlantic amidst rising fears of pirate attacks (and really, how do those big ass fuckin things float?), or just never return home. Combine that with social healthcare and I'm kinda leaning towards the latter. As recently as yesterday, I officialy became official. I obtained my visa in dresden, where I also attended a really crazy beach party featuring the most popular dj in Germany, Paul Kalkbrenner.

Other than finding an old classmate in a porn flick and buying a guitar, nothing else too exciting. It's looking more and more like Berlin fall 2010 for me. With possibly a month in the U.S. before that to reacquaint myself with those who love me.

Now that I have more time available I plan to blog a bit more. So feel free to call me out when you see this site sitting there lonely, just waiting to be violated by my corrupted freeflowing thought stream I call my conscience. Until next time.....

Beating the Czech Man (Pause)

So today I was riding dirty on the metro, aka riding without a metro pass. Upon exiting the Vysocanska metro I ran into what I call a "Czecher." I had purchased a metro ticket, however it was for 5 stops, not 8 stops which was the amount of stops I took. Our conversation went like this:

Czecher: "This ticket is not valid. 700kc."

Me: "I paid 18 kc for this ticket. And the next ticket up is 26kc. We're essentially talking about 8kc here. This is kind've silly don't you think?"

Czecher: "I need your passport or 700kc penalty."

Me: "Nope. I'm not giving you 700kc and I don't carry my passport."

Czecher: "well then let's go see the police."

Me: "Yes. Let's do it. Let's go see the police."

Czecher: "(frustrated) Ok, you can go."

The lesson: Czechs can't fuck wit me!!!!

Seventh Heaven: Lakers-Rockets game 7 running diary.....

In honor of one of the rarest and most magnificent events in sports (Game 7 playoff games), I decided to write a running diary for the Rockets-Lakers game 7. So let me set the scene for ya. I'm sitting inside Pat's flat, getting ready to watch the game with Geoff, Mason, and Geoff's Dad who is visiting from home. So that's two lakers fans (Geoff and his Dad), a non-committed (Mason), and myself who is actively rooting for the Rockets +13. We're fed, we're ready to go, and we're hoping for a good game. Without further ado, here...we....go.

9:35 (beginning of 1st quarter): Kenny comes in and tries to create conversation, nobody mentions that this is a huge game 7 violation. He quietly leaves, and I am DEFINITELY prepared to call out this violation if this will happen in the future.

9:36: Lots of tension in here. Geoff and his Dad seem a bit nervous. And if it's this intense in here, imagine how it must feel in L.A. It's got to be AT LEAST half as intense.

9:38: Lakers off to a hot start with an 8-0 lead. Rockets look a little lost on offense and the Lakers are flying all over the floor. Where has this team been?!

9:50: Lakers up 17-6, 3 minutes left of the first quarter. Not looking good for the Rockets or for my $10.50. Rockets are having a tough time getting shots and it looks like Andrew Bynum, D-Fish, and Trevor Ariza's corpses have all been risen from the graze.

10:00: End of the first quarter. 22-12 Lakers. Pau Gasol just turned in a 3 point play after allowing 3 straight baskets on the other end. Pau yells and pounds his chest in jubilation. Glad to know he's only concerned about one end of the floor. In other news, Ron Artest just airballed his 5th shot, but he's got no technicals yet so that's gotta count for something.

Start of the 2nd quarter: Kobe just tried to check into the game, Phil gave him the veto. Great move by Phil, it's not that important to have your best player on the floor in a game 7.

10:05: So far Mason has been very disinterested. But he got his phone call to his girlfriend in and I think we've got him back . It's very important to have Mason with us tonight.

10:13: Becca and Jen just left. We're going to miss them so much!

10:25: Houston is trotting out Von Wafer, Artest, Scola, Aaron Brooks and Chuck Hayes. That team wouldn't win 25 games. It's amazing that they're in a game 7 with the Lakers right now.

Halftime: This game is over, my bet isn't looking too good either. Lakers up 20, Pat's in his room, Mason is tired, Geoff is relieved, David Stern is counting his money, and I'm left with this empty feeling in my stomach and $10.50 poorer.

10:43: Magic Johnson is on ABC's halftime show and I still can't figure out how a man with AIDS is that fat.

A little backstory here; The reason why we're all tired is because we played about 6 games today for the "Prague Streetball Championship." We went 2-1, beat the team we lost to in the first round, and somehow still didn't win the championship. Only in Prague.

Phil Jackson just told the Lakers to "know what you want to do," while Rick Adelman told the Rockets to "cut into as many as you can before we get to the 4th." The NBA: where glorified babysitters get paid 6 mil a year happens.

Unfortunately, we've got a bad internet connection and we're getting very frustrated. I've lost my will to blog. And an unwilled blogger is no better than a non-blogger. So on that note, I'm out. Before I leave, this is how we gonna do this. Fuck the Lakers, fuck Tracy Mcgrady AND Yao Ming, fuck 02 internet as a internet provider, a business, and as a mothafuckin crew. And if you're down with 02 internet company, then fuck you too! Landlord Jaroslav, fuck you too! All you motherfuckers, fuck you too!

Mike's Ali-like return to blogging

YO!! I haven't forgot about you crazy fuckers. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to blog often. The reasons for this are tenfold. Reason number 1 is how busy I've been. I've got loads of classes and spent most of my week working. During my off time I usually choose drinking over blogging. To be fair to blogging, I usually choose drinking over everything else. However, sometimes I choose drinking in other countries, which is the best of both worlds. About 3 weeks ago, I headed to Dresden for my Visa application. Thanks to couchsurfing.com (the greatest website of all time), Nick and I stayed with my two new German friends Caterina and her roommate whose name has all of a sudden gone blank to me. Oh well, that's her bad for not making herself memorable enough. Anyway, Dresden was awesome. Caterina showed us all the spots to be, and even drove us to her fathers vineyard. Then last weekend I had my first visitor in Prague! Viktor man'd up and came out. I wish I could tell you what we did, but all I remember is a blur. I know we went paddling, and I'm pretty sure we ate at the same restaurant 6 times in a row. But what can you do when every meal is under 100 krowns! However you must make sure you get there early, they close at 11 but apparently you're not allowed in after 10:30. Explain that shit to me. Next up, Zach is visiting. But not before I have 2 french couchsurfers this weekend.
Watch: Tyson, Religulous, and Lost.
Listen to: Frightened Rabbit, Digitalism, Notwist, Bloc Party.
Read: More Sex Is Safer Sex, Animal Farm (if you haven't already), and Raise the Roof Beam Carpenters.

Pub Crawl Extraordinaire!

A little over a month ago, my TEFL course had a pub crawl (new favorite compound noun). It wasn't the best pub crawl. We didn't really get to go to too many places, ended up lost, and just didn't get a great grasp of Prague nightlife. So myself and the fellas felt that we could have done a better pub crawl had we done it on our own. And that's when the lights came on! We COULD do our own pub crawl. And then, we SHOULD do our own pub crawl. So we spoke to the head of our TEFL course, and she gave us the chance. We devised our route and set the plan in motion.

We met up with the new course around 7pm. It was a small group of about 7 people. But what they lacked in size they made up for in awesomeness. I know a good TEFL group when I see one, and this is a good group. We showed them how to use the metro and trams, and hit up Charles bridge. Being a guide made me realize how much I know about this city in such a short period of time and also reminded me how much I love Prague. So we made the walk through old town past my flat and made it to our favorite beer hall (another awesome compound noun). The group was a bit shy at first and some were tired. I think Nick and I both realized we'd have to pick up the energy. That and beer. Lots more beer. So about another hour in and we're quickly getting to know the new group. It was kind've like speed dating. Spend about 15 minutes getting to know each person, then move on to someone new. I think they began to trust me when I introduced them to goulash. How can you dislike someone who introduces you to goulash?!!? So after that, we headed out to my favorite little cave bar. The tired became the tireless and continued the crawl (another sign we were doing well). Cave bar served its purpose as we got beers on the cheap and continued partying with this new group. We headed out to Nick's place after that, played some guitar, engaged in another unspoken activity, and headed out for more.

Not to toot our proverbial own horns, but I think this tour was infinitely better than the one we received. Hopefully we get some good feedback, cause we'd love to continue doing this. Teacher by day, superhero by night! Er, super pub crawl hero is more like it I guess. I'll have to put the superhero dreams on hold. For now.

Certified, housed, hired!

So we're about 6 hours away from my favorite time of year and it's really killing me not to be in Vegas right now. The czechs couldn't tell even tell you madness is upon us. Oh they could tell you who won the last three long distance cross country skiing world cups, but they can't name Kobe Bryant, amazing.

So to kill some time I figured I might as well update all you non-traveling, uncultured, arrogant Americans on my life in Praha. I would have been on here a bit more often, but the demands of settling my life in Prague took precedence. Sorry about that. So since I've been reading American Psycho, we're going to just kind've run through things Brett Easton Ellis style. Try and keep up. Any questions or comments can be asked after we are finished. Ready? Fine, we'll wait. Ok let's go.

I've finished the course with a strong pass. Almost everyone in the course passed, we had a good group. Nick, Pat, and Kenny moved into a place in Prague 2 (New Prague), while Geoff, Mason, and I moved into Prague 1 (Old Prague). We live two blocks from Charles Bridge and around the corner from Old Town Square. It's like living on Bourbon st. in New Orleans. We hold down Prague. Discovered a bar where you climb deeper and deeper into the depths of the earth only to find more bars at the bottom. Huge fire hazard, great place to party. We call it cave bar. Got hired to run a pub crawl for incoming TEFL students. Watched Nick spend 30 minutes berating a woman on a tram for littering. Was told by Nick that I "strike fear and moisture into the hearts of labias everywhere." Found out Czech women cheat on their significant others. Pat puked out of a taxi. Nick, Pat, and Kenny had their taxi pulled over for driving on the tram tracks. I am quickly learning to speak Czenglish, which is basically shitty English. After watching Planet Earth, decided that we 'hunt' like African hunting dogs. Work together, close in, strongest gets the kill, remaining dogs search for more 'food.' Decided Friday is the weekend's Monday. Had a secondhand party. Made friendships, broke them, repaired them, and broke them again. Watched Cara pass out completely on a night tram. Props to Kenny for carrying her. Saw Nick slide down a 200 foot escalator, then saw a Czech man run to him when he hit the ground as if he had died. Got spat on by Olivia like a Jew in Palestine. Found out "Tyson" was AIDS-free. Named our new band Sound Foundation. I'm in charge of the G chords. Replaced all direct objects with Czech beers. For instance, "If you encounter a situation where you're alone with a girl and you don't have a Gambrinus, politely suggest she let you put it in her Budvar. Or opt for you going down on her Krucivice while she sucks your Pilsner. That's the only way to avoid paying for a Staropramen." Saw St. Nicholas church, built in 1257, beautiful. Found out my building was built in the 14th century, hung out on my balcony/rooftop (see attached photo above). Went to the Da Vinci "Museum," complete rip-off. Picked my favorite compound nouns- rock star, garbage man, coin purse. Decided that if I were invisible I would become the face of the war on terrorism by assassinating Osama Bin Laden. Heard Nick tell our Professor Terry "yeah I'll tell you what she likes. She likes the sauce!" Told him he's gone too far. For the 346th time. Inadvertantly taught Czech students about Jesus. Got a J-O-B!

That last one is actually important and deserves its own detailed report. I got hired at a school called IJV. Oddly, Nick got hired there too. Plus I know a few other cool girls that work there. We are guaranteed full time (which is a big deal), have our work permit and visa paid covered, my health insurance and social security covered, transportation pass discount, and get 4 weeks paid vacation! It's a really sweet school. I'm excited. It was the school that we had set our sights on and we're very happy to be working there. I go in for contract negotiations tomorrow, I'm going to ask for a no trade clause.

All in all, everything is really coming together and I'm enjoying it immensely. I can't say enough about how much fun we're having. Great people, great beer, beautiful city, and now a beatiful home and job! Until next time....

CERTIFIED!

TEFL certification has been completed. Update blog coming soon. Stay tuned.

Update

Unfortunately, I have been extremely busy teaching Czechs how to read, write, listen to, and speak English. I also am lacking a constant source of internet. So for the next 3 weeks or so, don't be surprised to see shitty blogs like this one. I will just bullet point random things I have been up to.

• I finished week 1 of the course and was monitored on my 45 minute elementary lesson I gave to Czech students. The lesson was on irregular verbs spoken in the past tense. Fun stuff! I actually did pretty well according to my teacher and passed the lesson easily. Which is no small feat.
  
• I was given a private student whom I have yet to contact. Although I know she is an upper-intermediate student named Lucie. So in addition to teaching twice a week and lesson planning for those lessons, I must teach my private student over the next 2 weeks as well. At the end of teaching my private student, I must write a 10 page paper. So much for just coming out here and speaking English to Czech people.
  
• It is likely that we will be looking at our new flat on tuesday. It's a 3 bedroom near old town. Which is where you want to be. So that should be sweet.
• My roommates are fucking nuts. But fucking nuts in a good way. We've been getting along great, having meals together, creating rules for "the dojo" (our flat), and just taking Prague by the balls.
  
• I met up with two Czech girls who my Uncle Rudy set me up with all the way from San Francisco. And we ended up drinking about 10-12 pints a piece. Shenanigans and hilarity ensued.

Also, I went to London, partied with a 49er, and damn near died in Paris from some Parisian Bird Flu. Class is starting, and I must learn more about the 'Perfect Present Tense.'

Until next time....

Super Weekend For A Super Bowl

As I'm heading to London tomorrow, this past weekend was going to be one of my last in Prague minus priorities and responsibility. I know what you're thinking, "Hey Michael, you don't prioritize. And you're not the least bit responsible!" Quiet you. That being said I wanted to go out and enjoy the nightlife Prague has to offer. Finding a few spots for my fellow teachers that are on their way out here would be a plus also.

So Friday night, I stayed home and passed out. Rats! Saturday night it is! I hit up Andrew and we settled on starting things off with a British Pub. (Geoff was nowhere to be found because he is a showoff and likes hitting ice rinks with his face.) So we hit up the pub, where beers were appropriately priced at 26 krowns. That's basically 1usd. Liking the pub so far. It was open mic night, and when they say anybody can get up there and play, they mean ANYBODY can get up there and play. I don't usually mock amateurs, but if you're willing to get up there and force me to listen to your shitty singing and the 3 chords you know on the guitar, then you can expect a lashing here at The PragueNosis. So after the pub, Andrew and I took a tip from Mason and Geoff and hit up a club named Techle Mechle. Apparently Techle Mechle is Czech for "only hot blondes with big titties may enter." The music left a bit to be desired, there's only so much C&C Music Factory I can take. Overall, a good recommendation though. Too many hot girls to complain about the music. So after Andrew and I got our swerve on, we decided to just head out into the snow and find a new spot. A few moments in however, our mission was interrupted by a lost crying girl. For her protection, I won't use her real name. Let's call her Madeline G., no no, that's too obvious. Ummmm, how about M Gibson. Well M. Gibson was lost because her boyfriend had went to pee in a bush and apparently got sucked in or something. Because that's the only way I can understand losing your girlfriend when you go piss in a bush. Luckily for Madeline G., Andrew and I took her under our wing. We took her with us to club Chateau and forced her to have a great time. Rumor has it she fell a few times on our way to the tram stop after Chateau. But I can neither confirm nor deny those rumors. A little advice for all you ladies out there: Ballet flats + snow = OW!

Super Sunday lived up to it's name this year round. Geoff and I got the party started early at our favorite little friendly casino where we each came out ahead. On top of the free money, we got ourselves 4 free beers and a free dinner. I have a feeling I may one day end up owning that place. That or they'll own me, whoever comes out ahead after a few more rounds of roulette. After heading to Star Bar for the game, Geoff and I organized a super bowl pool with a 2000 krown pot. Not too shabby. Much like the Arizona Cardinals running game, I was never really in it. Sometimes that's ok with me. Organizing gambling amongst 40 people or so, that was my victory. As you all know, great game (the Cardinals are who we thought they were), tons of beer, good fans, the Boss out there throwing his crotch around. It all added up to a pretty damn good Super Sunday.

Now I just hope I can find a Techle Mechle in London...

Amster(Got)Damn!

Since I had plenty of time before I started my TEFL course, I decided to take advantage of it and travel a bit. Myself and Capt. Pae (Not just an Army Captain), thought of a few different places we wanted to go to. We broke it down to Bosnia, Albania, Belgium, or a weekend in Amsterdam. Although we had already been there 3 years ago, in the end, Amsterdam was too tempting. So a couple days in Germany followed by a trip to Amsterdam it was.

So in order to get to Germany, I had to take a bus to Plzen, Czech Republic. (Fun Fact: Plzen is also the home of the appropriately named Pilsner urquell beer.) So I needed to take a bus to Plzen, followed by a couple of trains to Nuremberg and Wurzburg. Geoff and Mason let me know that finding a bus to Plzen, no problem. So I check out the schedule online and plan my trip. Doesn't look too complicated, this is going to be easy. Bus to Plzen at 10, train to Nuremberg at 11, connect to Wurzburg around 3, no problem. So I arrive at the Florenc metro station around 9:15am and look for the bus station. I find a metro officer who tells me he'll show me where to go, GREAT! He tells me "Bus to Plzen, 2nd left up the stairs." What do you know? A helpful Czech! So I head up the stairs on the 2nd left and find where all the buses are. I go to the ticket booth and say "Bus to Plzen please." The man in the booth informs me that they do not sell tickets to Plzen here, and that I must go downstairs. Back downstairs I go until I run into a lady selling flowers, I ask her if she has any idea where I can get my bus to Plzen. She points up the stairs that I just came down. huh? So I go back up the stairs and ask one more guy (who for some reason smells like moldy cheese and cigarettes mixed together) who then tells me it's here, but points me to a different ticket booth. Now we're onto something. So I head inside and to my relief the young man inside the ticket booth speaks perfect english. Here's how our exchange went:

"Bus to Plzen please."

"There are no buses to Plzen here. You must go to Zlicin. About 30 minute metro ride."

"What?"

"You must go to Zlicin. 30 minute metro ride. I can sell you a ticket here for the bus ride to Plzen though."

So I take the metro to Zlicin, miss my bus and take a later one. While waiting at the Zlicin bus station, I meet an American named Jason. Jason is one of those Americans who hates America. He's been gone for 12 years and has no intentions on going back. He also seems to have resentment towards traveling Americans such as myself. He tells me things such as:

Jason: "Did you know that in 1937 Czechoslovakia had the 7th largest economy in the world? I bet you didn't know that did you?"

Me: "Uh no Jason, I sure didn't."

Jason: "Of course you didn't."

Luckily for me, Jason has a map of Plzen, and isn't completely useless to me. He shows me where the train station is in Plzen and which buses I can take to get there. So if you ever read this Jason, thank you, and suck my balls you elitist douchebag. (Edit: Jason was actually a great guy and very helpful, and rumor has it he doesn't hate America.) So I get on a bus towards the train station, as I get on, I move past an old man with my suitcase. Apparently walking past men on the bus is rude, as he begins to yell at me in Czech. I tell him politely that I do not understand him and he should get out of my god damn face unless he wants a real American beatdown. Thankfully, I find the train station and get my tickets to Nuremberg and Wurzburg. At this time I decide it's time for some lunch. I must choose between McDonald's and Big Burger. Not knowing what Big Burger is, I decide to play it safe and choose McDonald's. After getting cut in front of 3 times, I decide to just walk up to a register while someone is ordering and just order. I figured out that ordering at a fast food restaurant is basically like ordering a drink at a bar, stand as close as you can, get their attention, and yell. I tell the lady "menu 2, no mayo please!!!" Unfortunately I hadn't yet learned that "No" means "Yes" in Czech. Of course it does! Also, "Menu 2" must mean "no i don't want a fries and drink with that," as when I get my order, it's just a chicken sandwich drenched in mayonnaise.

So then, i go back to the bus station where this bum tries to hit me up for change, i give him like 2 crowns. and he keeps looking at me. So i tell him "sorry dude, that's all i got. that's two more crowns than you had, so move on." so at this moment, his pimp, (did you know bums had pimps? i sure as hell didn't) comes over and asks him how much i gave him. he shows her the two crowns, and this bitch looks at me and shakes her head. I'm like "bitch, don't shake your head at me. now you're definitely not getting anything more from me. keep walking." so the rest of the time i was in the train station, she keeps eyeing me. So now I'm really pissed off, and when i walk by she says something in Czech and i start yelling back at her. Who the fuck works as a pimp for bums? i swear to god this country is retarded. So anyway, i get on my train and make it to Wurzburg, take a hot shower finally, have dinner with Capt. Pae and these German chicks (who are way nicer than Czechs) and i even get a bed to sleep in.

The next day we head to Amsterdam. Tom drives and hits 130 mph on the autobanh. And yet, people are passing us up! It's amazing, it feels like you can't be going faster than 80 because of the speed the other cars are doing. So we arrive in Amsterdam, go out to some bars, hit up the Rijks Museum (pictured). The Rijks Museum was a pretty sweet museum. Had some original Rembrandts as well as tons of artifacts from Dutch wars. It's easy to forget how many wars the Dutch started, they even had an 80 years war with the Spanish Empire in the 1600's. 80 years! That's like John McCains entire life!

At night, myself, Tom, and Mark decided to try and find a random Dutch pub. And boy did we! The great thing about the Dutch is that almost all of them speak english really well, and they are very welcoming. As we walk into this pub the bartender rings a bell and everyone does a cheers to us. We get our beers and right away there are people who want to talk to us. An old man tries to buy Tom's hat for 20 euro, and I get a pin just for using the bathroom! To top it all off, we meet about 9 dutch girls who are just down to party. The entire bar sings old dutch songs and drinks together. Simply amazing. One of the best times I've had at a bar, ever.

On our last day Tom and I headed over to see the Anne Frank house. Last time I was in Amsterdam I decided that it was better to do...er....something a little more touristy let's say. I can't put into words the impact the Anne Frank house can have on someone. I dare anyone to sit inside that house for 20 minutes without getting teary-eyed. There's collages she made still up on the wall, markings for how tall the girls were getting, and even her original diary. Something that I picked up on that I hadn't before when reading some of her passages, was just how mature she was at her age. The girl was 15, and knew more about how to live life than some 25 year olds I know. She had a unique perspective on what she wanted out of her life, and she wasn't even given the oppurtunity to chase her dreams. Incredibly heartbreaking. The house where Anne Frank and her family were hidden and captured, is shown on your right.

After the Anne Frank house we felt we needed a drink and headed to the Heineken brewery. The Heineken brewery tour is basically a two hour infomercial for how awesome Heineken is and you know what, I agree! They won me over. 3 free beers and a tour for 12 euro?!?! Good stuff.

As you can tell the Amsterdam trip was an adventure, but all in all a great time. Beer, girls, art museums, tragedy, and Dutch people. You can't go wrong with that combination. (For more pics check the facebook.)

So it begins....

Hello and welcome to the very first edition of The PragueNosis! I've decided to start a blog in order to keep up with my time in Prague as well as all my travels abroad. I came to Prague in order to teach and travel, and I will be writing about both, as well as anything else I damn well feel like. For those of you who don't know what a blog is (Hi Mom!), it's similar to a diary. Except instead of keeping it under a bed with a lock you put it online and let everybody read it.

I've been in Prague for almost 3 weeks now, and I've learned quite a lot:

1. It's Cold. It's cold, it's cold, it's cold. It's so cold in Prague I think "Man vs. Wild" should do an episode here. Bear Grillz aint got shit on me! Yeah he can scale the Andes, but can he walk from Petrin Hill to the other side of The Charles Bridge without freezing his balls off? I say no. It's so freakin cold here that half the time I'm walking home from the tram stop, I feel like I'm going to see Luke Skywalker curled up inside of a Tauntaun. All you California folk better appreciate what you have. I'm counting down the days until Spring, whenever that is. Let me just show you how cold it is in Prague. (You're going to have to turn your head because Geoff doesn't know how a camera works.)










2. People do not respect the single-file line. Apparently, there is no order in the Czech Republic. I've been cut off in line at least 4 times already. I've probably only gotten in 3 lines, so you do the math. I know these freaking commi's know how a line works. I've seen those old USSR videos! Apparently you need a Russi with a kalashnikov standing nearby to keep people in Czech (get it, Czech?).

3. Dishwashers, dryers, hot water, consistent internet, REAL Football, are all unnecessary American items. I went to a bar the other day, and they had long distance skiing on! Long distance skiing. "Oh my god what an athletic machine! He can ski on level ground!" Whoop-de-fuckin-do. As for showering with cold water? I'm still too traumatized to talk about that, we're moving on. No dishwasher? That one actually isn't that bad. Putting on crispy t-shirts however, not so great. This country is just ass backwards in almost every way possible. Let me just show you how stupid this country is. Take a look at that photo up there with the ducks. DUCKS! Even the ducks are too stupid to fly south for the winter!!!


4. The Czech language is stupid and unnecessary. It's just a complete waste of sound. Every time I hear someone on the tram speaking I think they might be choking or having some sort of seizure. You know how you see a hot girl and then you hear her speaking French, Spanish, Russian, whatever, and she becomes 10x hotter? Well hearing a girl speak Czech is like the exact opposite of that. I wouldn't bang Scarlett Johansson if she spoke Czech. That's a lie, nothing could stop me from banging Scarlett Johansson, but you get my point.

5. Prague is amazingly beautiful. What Prague lacks in well, everything else, it makes up for in good cheap beer, great public transportation, and unbelievably gorgeous views of the city. So as you can imagine, it's very easy to get drunk and take a tram to see beautiful parts of Prague. Just take a look at some of these photos. There's nothing else to say about that.

6. Everything that goes wrong can be traced to Communism or Gypsies. I actually can't disagree with the Czech people on this one. Gypsies, Communists, the American Health Care System, and extremist Muslims are pretty much everything that is wrong with the world. You can't sway me here.

So after a few weeks everything has obviously been pretty interesting. The Czech people are cold at first, but I'm told that when they warm up to you they are really good people. Hopefully that will come once I start teaching. For my next blog I'll be telling the story of my Amsterdam trip, so be sure to come on back and check that out. Props to Damon Hastings for the awesome PragueNosis banner you see up at the top there. And hopefully soon enough I can get a little better at the layout for this blog. It looks like a video I wanted to show you doesn't feel like posting itself, so I'll try to come on back and fix that.

Lastly, although I am out here living the dream, I miss all of you back home. All of my family, my friends, you're all in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, I said prayers. I know, it doesn't feel right to me either but let's just roll with it. Love you all and see you next time!