Amster(Got)Damn!

Since I had plenty of time before I started my TEFL course, I decided to take advantage of it and travel a bit. Myself and Capt. Pae (Not just an Army Captain), thought of a few different places we wanted to go to. We broke it down to Bosnia, Albania, Belgium, or a weekend in Amsterdam. Although we had already been there 3 years ago, in the end, Amsterdam was too tempting. So a couple days in Germany followed by a trip to Amsterdam it was.

So in order to get to Germany, I had to take a bus to Plzen, Czech Republic. (Fun Fact: Plzen is also the home of the appropriately named Pilsner urquell beer.) So I needed to take a bus to Plzen, followed by a couple of trains to Nuremberg and Wurzburg. Geoff and Mason let me know that finding a bus to Plzen, no problem. So I check out the schedule online and plan my trip. Doesn't look too complicated, this is going to be easy. Bus to Plzen at 10, train to Nuremberg at 11, connect to Wurzburg around 3, no problem. So I arrive at the Florenc metro station around 9:15am and look for the bus station. I find a metro officer who tells me he'll show me where to go, GREAT! He tells me "Bus to Plzen, 2nd left up the stairs." What do you know? A helpful Czech! So I head up the stairs on the 2nd left and find where all the buses are. I go to the ticket booth and say "Bus to Plzen please." The man in the booth informs me that they do not sell tickets to Plzen here, and that I must go downstairs. Back downstairs I go until I run into a lady selling flowers, I ask her if she has any idea where I can get my bus to Plzen. She points up the stairs that I just came down. huh? So I go back up the stairs and ask one more guy (who for some reason smells like moldy cheese and cigarettes mixed together) who then tells me it's here, but points me to a different ticket booth. Now we're onto something. So I head inside and to my relief the young man inside the ticket booth speaks perfect english. Here's how our exchange went:

"Bus to Plzen please."

"There are no buses to Plzen here. You must go to Zlicin. About 30 minute metro ride."

"What?"

"You must go to Zlicin. 30 minute metro ride. I can sell you a ticket here for the bus ride to Plzen though."

So I take the metro to Zlicin, miss my bus and take a later one. While waiting at the Zlicin bus station, I meet an American named Jason. Jason is one of those Americans who hates America. He's been gone for 12 years and has no intentions on going back. He also seems to have resentment towards traveling Americans such as myself. He tells me things such as:

Jason: "Did you know that in 1937 Czechoslovakia had the 7th largest economy in the world? I bet you didn't know that did you?"

Me: "Uh no Jason, I sure didn't."

Jason: "Of course you didn't."

Luckily for me, Jason has a map of Plzen, and isn't completely useless to me. He shows me where the train station is in Plzen and which buses I can take to get there. So if you ever read this Jason, thank you, and suck my balls you elitist douchebag. (Edit: Jason was actually a great guy and very helpful, and rumor has it he doesn't hate America.) So I get on a bus towards the train station, as I get on, I move past an old man with my suitcase. Apparently walking past men on the bus is rude, as he begins to yell at me in Czech. I tell him politely that I do not understand him and he should get out of my god damn face unless he wants a real American beatdown. Thankfully, I find the train station and get my tickets to Nuremberg and Wurzburg. At this time I decide it's time for some lunch. I must choose between McDonald's and Big Burger. Not knowing what Big Burger is, I decide to play it safe and choose McDonald's. After getting cut in front of 3 times, I decide to just walk up to a register while someone is ordering and just order. I figured out that ordering at a fast food restaurant is basically like ordering a drink at a bar, stand as close as you can, get their attention, and yell. I tell the lady "menu 2, no mayo please!!!" Unfortunately I hadn't yet learned that "No" means "Yes" in Czech. Of course it does! Also, "Menu 2" must mean "no i don't want a fries and drink with that," as when I get my order, it's just a chicken sandwich drenched in mayonnaise.

So then, i go back to the bus station where this bum tries to hit me up for change, i give him like 2 crowns. and he keeps looking at me. So i tell him "sorry dude, that's all i got. that's two more crowns than you had, so move on." so at this moment, his pimp, (did you know bums had pimps? i sure as hell didn't) comes over and asks him how much i gave him. he shows her the two crowns, and this bitch looks at me and shakes her head. I'm like "bitch, don't shake your head at me. now you're definitely not getting anything more from me. keep walking." so the rest of the time i was in the train station, she keeps eyeing me. So now I'm really pissed off, and when i walk by she says something in Czech and i start yelling back at her. Who the fuck works as a pimp for bums? i swear to god this country is retarded. So anyway, i get on my train and make it to Wurzburg, take a hot shower finally, have dinner with Capt. Pae and these German chicks (who are way nicer than Czechs) and i even get a bed to sleep in.

The next day we head to Amsterdam. Tom drives and hits 130 mph on the autobanh. And yet, people are passing us up! It's amazing, it feels like you can't be going faster than 80 because of the speed the other cars are doing. So we arrive in Amsterdam, go out to some bars, hit up the Rijks Museum (pictured). The Rijks Museum was a pretty sweet museum. Had some original Rembrandts as well as tons of artifacts from Dutch wars. It's easy to forget how many wars the Dutch started, they even had an 80 years war with the Spanish Empire in the 1600's. 80 years! That's like John McCains entire life!

At night, myself, Tom, and Mark decided to try and find a random Dutch pub. And boy did we! The great thing about the Dutch is that almost all of them speak english really well, and they are very welcoming. As we walk into this pub the bartender rings a bell and everyone does a cheers to us. We get our beers and right away there are people who want to talk to us. An old man tries to buy Tom's hat for 20 euro, and I get a pin just for using the bathroom! To top it all off, we meet about 9 dutch girls who are just down to party. The entire bar sings old dutch songs and drinks together. Simply amazing. One of the best times I've had at a bar, ever.

On our last day Tom and I headed over to see the Anne Frank house. Last time I was in Amsterdam I decided that it was better to do...er....something a little more touristy let's say. I can't put into words the impact the Anne Frank house can have on someone. I dare anyone to sit inside that house for 20 minutes without getting teary-eyed. There's collages she made still up on the wall, markings for how tall the girls were getting, and even her original diary. Something that I picked up on that I hadn't before when reading some of her passages, was just how mature she was at her age. The girl was 15, and knew more about how to live life than some 25 year olds I know. She had a unique perspective on what she wanted out of her life, and she wasn't even given the oppurtunity to chase her dreams. Incredibly heartbreaking. The house where Anne Frank and her family were hidden and captured, is shown on your right.

After the Anne Frank house we felt we needed a drink and headed to the Heineken brewery. The Heineken brewery tour is basically a two hour infomercial for how awesome Heineken is and you know what, I agree! They won me over. 3 free beers and a tour for 12 euro?!?! Good stuff.

As you can tell the Amsterdam trip was an adventure, but all in all a great time. Beer, girls, art museums, tragedy, and Dutch people. You can't go wrong with that combination. (For more pics check the facebook.)

So it begins....

Hello and welcome to the very first edition of The PragueNosis! I've decided to start a blog in order to keep up with my time in Prague as well as all my travels abroad. I came to Prague in order to teach and travel, and I will be writing about both, as well as anything else I damn well feel like. For those of you who don't know what a blog is (Hi Mom!), it's similar to a diary. Except instead of keeping it under a bed with a lock you put it online and let everybody read it.

I've been in Prague for almost 3 weeks now, and I've learned quite a lot:

1. It's Cold. It's cold, it's cold, it's cold. It's so cold in Prague I think "Man vs. Wild" should do an episode here. Bear Grillz aint got shit on me! Yeah he can scale the Andes, but can he walk from Petrin Hill to the other side of The Charles Bridge without freezing his balls off? I say no. It's so freakin cold here that half the time I'm walking home from the tram stop, I feel like I'm going to see Luke Skywalker curled up inside of a Tauntaun. All you California folk better appreciate what you have. I'm counting down the days until Spring, whenever that is. Let me just show you how cold it is in Prague. (You're going to have to turn your head because Geoff doesn't know how a camera works.)










2. People do not respect the single-file line. Apparently, there is no order in the Czech Republic. I've been cut off in line at least 4 times already. I've probably only gotten in 3 lines, so you do the math. I know these freaking commi's know how a line works. I've seen those old USSR videos! Apparently you need a Russi with a kalashnikov standing nearby to keep people in Czech (get it, Czech?).

3. Dishwashers, dryers, hot water, consistent internet, REAL Football, are all unnecessary American items. I went to a bar the other day, and they had long distance skiing on! Long distance skiing. "Oh my god what an athletic machine! He can ski on level ground!" Whoop-de-fuckin-do. As for showering with cold water? I'm still too traumatized to talk about that, we're moving on. No dishwasher? That one actually isn't that bad. Putting on crispy t-shirts however, not so great. This country is just ass backwards in almost every way possible. Let me just show you how stupid this country is. Take a look at that photo up there with the ducks. DUCKS! Even the ducks are too stupid to fly south for the winter!!!


4. The Czech language is stupid and unnecessary. It's just a complete waste of sound. Every time I hear someone on the tram speaking I think they might be choking or having some sort of seizure. You know how you see a hot girl and then you hear her speaking French, Spanish, Russian, whatever, and she becomes 10x hotter? Well hearing a girl speak Czech is like the exact opposite of that. I wouldn't bang Scarlett Johansson if she spoke Czech. That's a lie, nothing could stop me from banging Scarlett Johansson, but you get my point.

5. Prague is amazingly beautiful. What Prague lacks in well, everything else, it makes up for in good cheap beer, great public transportation, and unbelievably gorgeous views of the city. So as you can imagine, it's very easy to get drunk and take a tram to see beautiful parts of Prague. Just take a look at some of these photos. There's nothing else to say about that.

6. Everything that goes wrong can be traced to Communism or Gypsies. I actually can't disagree with the Czech people on this one. Gypsies, Communists, the American Health Care System, and extremist Muslims are pretty much everything that is wrong with the world. You can't sway me here.

So after a few weeks everything has obviously been pretty interesting. The Czech people are cold at first, but I'm told that when they warm up to you they are really good people. Hopefully that will come once I start teaching. For my next blog I'll be telling the story of my Amsterdam trip, so be sure to come on back and check that out. Props to Damon Hastings for the awesome PragueNosis banner you see up at the top there. And hopefully soon enough I can get a little better at the layout for this blog. It looks like a video I wanted to show you doesn't feel like posting itself, so I'll try to come on back and fix that.

Lastly, although I am out here living the dream, I miss all of you back home. All of my family, my friends, you're all in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, I said prayers. I know, it doesn't feel right to me either but let's just roll with it. Love you all and see you next time!