Mr. Mertle has a little secret...And you can't tell anyone.

I've long accepted the fact that Mr. Mertle (James Earl Jones) from The Sandlot was a liar for saying he played with Babe Ruth when we all know Babe Ruth never played with black players.




However, I now think he may be something worse, much worse. I got on a night tram after a night of drinking when I saw a blind Czech man get on a tram all alone. I wondered to myself "how did he become blind? Probably not a fastball to the eye. Czechs don't play baseball." It was then that it dawned on me: If Mr. Mertle took a fastball to the eye, why is he now blind in both eyes? It doesn't add up. You must then ask yourself "Why did he give up the autographed baseball of the 1927 Yankees for a chewed up Babe Ruth ball?" The answer is obvious. Mr. Mertle isn't blind at all. Mr. Mertle is however, a child molester.

No offense....

So the Pops came out for a visit. I showed him Prague, we went to Rome, we laughed, we cried, we ate gelato. The thing about gelato that I don't understand is that it is immensely better in Italy than it is throughout the rest of Europe. It's so much better than Italy that if one eats gelato in another country they might think European ice cream sucks. But if they eat it in Italy they'll think gelato is the greatest invention since the wheelbarrow (very underrated by the way.)
What really surprised me the most however, is this quite harmless, yet potentially deadly social faux pas. Here's what's been happening way too often. I'm standing somewhere minding my own damn business. And then I hear "excuse me" followed by whack! Practically shoved out the way! Damn near assaulted. And this action is supposed to be completely dismissed all because it is preceded by "excuse me?" Ridiculous I say.

That being said, nothing is worse than this next thing I've been encountering. In the words of slick rick, and it goes a little something like this:

"I mean, no offense, but your acting like a fucking douchebag."

And then when you get upset, the original offender says "Hey man, I said no offense!" As if the fact that somebody says no offense gives them free reign to blurt anything they feel like. Well no offense to anyone who does this, but the next motherfucker that does one of these to me is gettin thrown out a mothafuckin window.

Lost in Translation (Perhaps)

On a quest to quench our insatiable romantic desires I went out for drinks with a few unnamed Czech ladies and some friends of mine this past week. What followed: awkwardness, regret, racism, boredom, excitement, baiting, and revenge. Allow me to elaborate.

Immediately after arriving I realized a couple things. For one, don't give out your number at 4am outside of a club to some random women. And for two, I was going to need a drink. Enough to get through this meeting but not too much so that I stay for too long. So about 10 minutes after the introductions, or hell, during the introductions. It comes to light that my friend is German. Not German like "my family is scottish, irish, and german but we've been in America for 220 years" German, German like "I love sauerkraut, David Hasselhoff, and eradicating massive amounts of followers of one certain unnamed religion" German. (To anyone who is offended at that last joke, I hereby apologize. I too like sauerkraut when the mood fancies me.)

ANYWAY, so once my friend mentions he's German this racist bitch gives a dirty look and casually says "ugh, I hate Germans." Right to his face! Then when we explained it was rude to say that to someone you first meet, she says "It's my opinion. I hate Germans." As if it was some non-negotiable fact that will never change. Unbelievable. So this leads to my friend storming out after telling her she was the biggest bitch he's ever met and telling her friend "you need new friends."

After he walked out, the girl said she felt like dancing. So myself and my buddy Pat excused ourselves, said we had to go home because of a busy schedule the next day and walked over to the bar to have more drinks for another hour with some much more pleasant Americans. The lesson here is simple, girls who give out their numbers at 4am outside of Czech clubs are racist.

Summer lovin, had me a blast...

Boy do I love summer in Europe. I work about 8 hours a week, hang out at topless swimming pools, paddle on the Vltava, and have an endless stream of visitors. Since last time we spoke, Zach visited and we proceeded to have an ass-kicking good time in Cinque Terre (shown on your right), Austria, Slovenia, Germany, and of course Praha. Unfortunately, as this is a family-friendly blog, there will be no details of our endeavors. Just know that we were THIS close to getting Zach to move out here, and i'm not convinced it's not in the back of his head somewhere. (Pause)

The month of June was very awkward weather wise. Prague gave you all it had to offer; Sunshine, gloom, thunderstorms, all in one day! Sometimes I could leave the house in shorts and flip flops and return soaking wet. Also during the month of June, I developed a severe fear of flying. Something about it just doesn't seem right. The thing weighs like 18 tons, the wings don't flap, and a computer flies it. My computer crashes all the time, call me crazy but I don't trust that shit.

So this leaves me a couple of options: Sail the Atlantic amidst rising fears of pirate attacks (and really, how do those big ass fuckin things float?), or just never return home. Combine that with social healthcare and I'm kinda leaning towards the latter. As recently as yesterday, I officialy became official. I obtained my visa in dresden, where I also attended a really crazy beach party featuring the most popular dj in Germany, Paul Kalkbrenner.

Other than finding an old classmate in a porn flick and buying a guitar, nothing else too exciting. It's looking more and more like Berlin fall 2010 for me. With possibly a month in the U.S. before that to reacquaint myself with those who love me.

Now that I have more time available I plan to blog a bit more. So feel free to call me out when you see this site sitting there lonely, just waiting to be violated by my corrupted freeflowing thought stream I call my conscience. Until next time.....

Beating the Czech Man (Pause)

So today I was riding dirty on the metro, aka riding without a metro pass. Upon exiting the Vysocanska metro I ran into what I call a "Czecher." I had purchased a metro ticket, however it was for 5 stops, not 8 stops which was the amount of stops I took. Our conversation went like this:

Czecher: "This ticket is not valid. 700kc."

Me: "I paid 18 kc for this ticket. And the next ticket up is 26kc. We're essentially talking about 8kc here. This is kind've silly don't you think?"

Czecher: "I need your passport or 700kc penalty."

Me: "Nope. I'm not giving you 700kc and I don't carry my passport."

Czecher: "well then let's go see the police."

Me: "Yes. Let's do it. Let's go see the police."

Czecher: "(frustrated) Ok, you can go."

The lesson: Czechs can't fuck wit me!!!!

Seventh Heaven: Lakers-Rockets game 7 running diary.....

In honor of one of the rarest and most magnificent events in sports (Game 7 playoff games), I decided to write a running diary for the Rockets-Lakers game 7. So let me set the scene for ya. I'm sitting inside Pat's flat, getting ready to watch the game with Geoff, Mason, and Geoff's Dad who is visiting from home. So that's two lakers fans (Geoff and his Dad), a non-committed (Mason), and myself who is actively rooting for the Rockets +13. We're fed, we're ready to go, and we're hoping for a good game. Without further ado, here...we....go.

9:35 (beginning of 1st quarter): Kenny comes in and tries to create conversation, nobody mentions that this is a huge game 7 violation. He quietly leaves, and I am DEFINITELY prepared to call out this violation if this will happen in the future.

9:36: Lots of tension in here. Geoff and his Dad seem a bit nervous. And if it's this intense in here, imagine how it must feel in L.A. It's got to be AT LEAST half as intense.

9:38: Lakers off to a hot start with an 8-0 lead. Rockets look a little lost on offense and the Lakers are flying all over the floor. Where has this team been?!

9:50: Lakers up 17-6, 3 minutes left of the first quarter. Not looking good for the Rockets or for my $10.50. Rockets are having a tough time getting shots and it looks like Andrew Bynum, D-Fish, and Trevor Ariza's corpses have all been risen from the graze.

10:00: End of the first quarter. 22-12 Lakers. Pau Gasol just turned in a 3 point play after allowing 3 straight baskets on the other end. Pau yells and pounds his chest in jubilation. Glad to know he's only concerned about one end of the floor. In other news, Ron Artest just airballed his 5th shot, but he's got no technicals yet so that's gotta count for something.

Start of the 2nd quarter: Kobe just tried to check into the game, Phil gave him the veto. Great move by Phil, it's not that important to have your best player on the floor in a game 7.

10:05: So far Mason has been very disinterested. But he got his phone call to his girlfriend in and I think we've got him back . It's very important to have Mason with us tonight.

10:13: Becca and Jen just left. We're going to miss them so much!

10:25: Houston is trotting out Von Wafer, Artest, Scola, Aaron Brooks and Chuck Hayes. That team wouldn't win 25 games. It's amazing that they're in a game 7 with the Lakers right now.

Halftime: This game is over, my bet isn't looking too good either. Lakers up 20, Pat's in his room, Mason is tired, Geoff is relieved, David Stern is counting his money, and I'm left with this empty feeling in my stomach and $10.50 poorer.

10:43: Magic Johnson is on ABC's halftime show and I still can't figure out how a man with AIDS is that fat.

A little backstory here; The reason why we're all tired is because we played about 6 games today for the "Prague Streetball Championship." We went 2-1, beat the team we lost to in the first round, and somehow still didn't win the championship. Only in Prague.

Phil Jackson just told the Lakers to "know what you want to do," while Rick Adelman told the Rockets to "cut into as many as you can before we get to the 4th." The NBA: where glorified babysitters get paid 6 mil a year happens.

Unfortunately, we've got a bad internet connection and we're getting very frustrated. I've lost my will to blog. And an unwilled blogger is no better than a non-blogger. So on that note, I'm out. Before I leave, this is how we gonna do this. Fuck the Lakers, fuck Tracy Mcgrady AND Yao Ming, fuck 02 internet as a internet provider, a business, and as a mothafuckin crew. And if you're down with 02 internet company, then fuck you too! Landlord Jaroslav, fuck you too! All you motherfuckers, fuck you too!

Mike's Ali-like return to blogging

YO!! I haven't forgot about you crazy fuckers. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to blog often. The reasons for this are tenfold. Reason number 1 is how busy I've been. I've got loads of classes and spent most of my week working. During my off time I usually choose drinking over blogging. To be fair to blogging, I usually choose drinking over everything else. However, sometimes I choose drinking in other countries, which is the best of both worlds. About 3 weeks ago, I headed to Dresden for my Visa application. Thanks to couchsurfing.com (the greatest website of all time), Nick and I stayed with my two new German friends Caterina and her roommate whose name has all of a sudden gone blank to me. Oh well, that's her bad for not making herself memorable enough. Anyway, Dresden was awesome. Caterina showed us all the spots to be, and even drove us to her fathers vineyard. Then last weekend I had my first visitor in Prague! Viktor man'd up and came out. I wish I could tell you what we did, but all I remember is a blur. I know we went paddling, and I'm pretty sure we ate at the same restaurant 6 times in a row. But what can you do when every meal is under 100 krowns! However you must make sure you get there early, they close at 11 but apparently you're not allowed in after 10:30. Explain that shit to me. Next up, Zach is visiting. But not before I have 2 french couchsurfers this weekend.
Watch: Tyson, Religulous, and Lost.
Listen to: Frightened Rabbit, Digitalism, Notwist, Bloc Party.
Read: More Sex Is Safer Sex, Animal Farm (if you haven't already), and Raise the Roof Beam Carpenters.